- Sunday, November 08, 2009 `x

I feel like I'm falling deeper n deeper in the ground. I really don't know how to express my feelings anymore. I feel like i'm stuck and you just want to change that immediately. You wanna keep changing me and you keep judging me.

I really don't know what works for you. Anything I do is either wrong or just not good enough for you. What else am I supposed to do?? I try BUT you just keep pushing me down even more! Now I'm too tired to even pick myself up.

You talk about future and all, I have feelings too. You talk I listen but when it comes to the other way round, things r just different!! I do not know what is happening anymore.

[b e a u t i f u l a n g e l]





- Saturday, November 07, 2009 `x




[b e a u t i f u l a n g e l]






Is it easy to fall out of love? Is it possible that just by one mistake everything falls apart? Why is it so hard for the heart to forgive? How can the heart just fall out of love? How can the heart stop having the will power to fight for what is right?

When you are on that road or you know a friend who is going through such a situation, all these questions clog ya mind. Why this and how come that and what if...Why cant it be simple? Why cant things just fall in place right?

There is loads of things on my mind. One after another it just happens. I have a friend who is in this situation as well and I am trying my best to help their relationship. I wish things could be easier. I wish people can back in time and do/say things right and not have to go through the same shitty road again.

How do you choose? Or should you even choose? Is it all happening cause of commitment issues? Afraid of something? Sometimes people cannot say everything that they feel inside, not even to their best friends. It hurts, but I guess they are afraid of how people will see them.

I am really thinking of ways to help my friend, so that they can have a better relationship. Cause a friend once told me, there is no end if its not a happy ending. =)
[b e a u t i f u l a n g e l]





- Monday, November 02, 2009 `x



My emotions are all over the place. I don't know what to express anymore. I think too much is coming out now and everyone sees right through.

Sometimes when things are done or said it's so difficult to just forget about it and move on. You may forgive but it will always stay within as it's part of your life already. It's really so difficult not to think of what you are thinking as you sit beside me.

How are we supposed to get pass this? How are we supposed to get back to normal? I really am trying so hard. I wish we can see pass all of this.

[b e a u t i f u l a n g e l]







[b e a u t i f u l a n g e l]





- Friday, October 30, 2009 `x




[b e a u t i f u l a n g e l]






i tried quite a few things, but the pain just subsides a while, and then it hits you like a bitch once again! OUCH!! things will sure never be the same ever again! it will just haunt me day n night. i just screwed up big time! and I know i will never be able to take that back!

i dont know what to do. am i supposed to be forgiven, or am i supposed to suffer in silence like this? i guess suffering in silence is so much better. i know people will judge and all by now, but I really dun give two cents for their comments or point of view. i know what i did and i dun need anyone telling me anything.

my head is throbbing so badly, from all the thinking and shouting from within. and i am running out of medication. i need to get more soon! this pain is going to stay for quite some time i suppose. on the other hand, i am so used to this pain already.

i just cannot sit here and wait for things to happen. i need to get out there and do some stuff. i need to make things work and get myself occupied. i wanna do things that i could not do, spend more time with my family. (i really miss them so much) visit places and all...sigh!! i dun know. i really dun know!!
[b e a u t i f u l a n g e l]





- Thursday, October 29, 2009 `x



everything seemed so clear and awesome, then one day the wind just changed directions and turned everything around. now everything is so hazy and cloudy. nothing seems to make any sense anymore. everything is so complicated and difficult. i know i will never make sense of anything cause its all my fault. now i just have to go through the consequences.o

i feel so numb. i dont feel anything at all. am i supposed to feel like that? am i supposed to be crying and pouring my hearts out? i dun feel like i wanna do that. i just feel numb. i just want to run away from all the things in life now. i just want to go somewhere to be alone!

i just dun know what to do already. i dun know if what im feeling is right or wrong. gd or bad. i just dun wanna feel anything!!!
[b e a u t i f u l a n g e l]





- Tuesday, October 27, 2009 `x



You want me to be the person you wanna see me as. I wish I can be that person for you, I wish I can be everything you want me to be! Contradicting it may be, I do NOT want to be that person at all!! I wanna be myself, I wanna be who I am. I wanna be the person who makes mistakes, takes chances and be teh bubbly and cheerful self of mine!

The moment you start picking on how I should be, all of me just falls apart. You will not see the person who I am anymore! You will see a totally different person altogether! I will not be the person who is cheerful and bubbly, jumping up and down and enjoying myself. I will be the quiet and reserved girl, who sits by the corner and watches as everyone enjoys themselves!!

Its already happening now. Please save me before its too late!!
[b e a u t i f u l a n g e l]





- Monday, October 19, 2009 `x




[b e a u t i f u l a n g e l]